Developing Effective Discourse

An Ongoing Discussion

Writing Strong Papers: Revision

Few writers are so talented that they can express themselves clearly and effectively in a rough draft. (I certainly am not!) For short, routine communications, you may be able to write quite easily with little or no revision. However, for most professional and college writing--especially longer, more complex documents —you should expect to revise, sometimes substantially, to insure that you've said exactly what you meant to say in a manner that the reader will understand.

Three basic reasons to revise: An ineffective document

1. Is a waste of everyone's time
2. Is insulting to your audience.
3. Makes you (and the work) look unintelligent.

Revision Provides a Service for Your Reader

If you are always satisfied to send out the first draft of your document, you are not serving your reader well. Not only are you asking a high payment in terms of your reader's time and attention and running the risk that the reader may misinterpret or be confused by what you have to say, but you are also risking your reader's low opinion: careless, hasty, unrevised writing is always apparent.

Revision Requires a Shift in Your Perspective

To revise effectively, you must first distance yourself from your writing so that you can respond objectively. In other words, you need to shift your perspective by assuming the role of the reader. To accomplish this, you should get away from the paper for a while, usually leaving it until the following morning. You may not be able to budget your time this ideally; but you can put the paper aside while you visit a friend, grab a bite to eat, or work on something else. Unless you divorce yourself from the paper, you will probably remain under its spell: that is, you will see only what you think is on the page instead of what is actually there. And you will be unable to transport yourself from your role of writer to that of reader.

Such objective distance may at first seem difficult to achieve; however, the following questions should help you to systematize the revision stage of your letter and report writing and enable you to keep your reader in mind as you determine appropriate detail, language, tone, organization, and mechanical correctness.

There are two main types of revision in writing: global and local revision. These are sometimes also referred to as revision and editing.

Global revision encompasses the entire composition. It looks at the entire piece of writing in terms of how well it answers the rhetorical situation. Does the writing say what the author intends it to say? Does it accomplish its purpose? Does it have the desired effect on the audience? These are some of the questions that come up during a global "re-visioning" of a piece of writing. The writer not only focuses on stylistic concerns, but also continues to mold the text to its purpose and audience. Global revision makes changes such as adding, deleting, replacing or rearranging materials in the writing. Examples of global revision:

• Changing the focus, perhaps by revising the introduction and/or modifying the thesis.
• Re-ordering to create a different effect for audience.
• Eliminating a portion of the argument.
• Substituting or adding arguments.

Local revision pays attention to words and sentences within paragraphs to further refine the writing. In an often-quoted study, Nancy Sommers points out that student writers, in contrast to experienced writers, are more likely to edit than to revise (or to concentrate on local types of revision as opposed to global). They approach revising primarily as a matter of rewording: eliminating repetition, finding synonyms, deleting words. Less frequently do they deal with rearrangement or addition of material. Experienced writers, on the other hand, continue to search for the shape of their discussion as they revise, making changes primarily by adding and deleting sentences.

Examples of Local Revision:

• Correcting sentence fragments, fused sentences, comma splices and other grammatical concerns.
• Making verb tenses consistent.
• Refining word choices so that the meaning is precise and on target for both the topic and the audience.
• Adding concrete language, descriptive adjectives, figurative language, etc.

DETAIL: DECIDING WHAT TO INCLUDE

1. What does my reader want or need to know to enable him or her to understand my message?

2. Does my document answer all the questions my reader has asked or questions he or she may have in mind?

3. What is my purpose in writing this document? What has been asked of it, and who is it's audience?

4. Does my document give all the information needed to accomplish this purpose?

5. What purpose does this communication serve for my reader?

6. Do I maintain focus? Is the document (or sections of it) too brief or wordy to be effective? Have I included ONLY the material essential to my reader's purpose and understanding? Or am I boring or distracting my reader with unessential and/or obvious information?

7. What do I want my reader to do when he or she finishes reading the document? Sometimes that is simply a matter of knowing or understanding. In other instances, action must be achieved.

8. Have I included all the information he or she will need to enable my reader to easily take this action, achieve this understanding, make this decision?

Language: Aiming for Conciseness and Clarity

1. Have I used ONLY the essential words to get my message across to my reader?

2. Have I used too many words to express simple, unimportant, or obvious ideas? Are the verbs strong and direct?

3. Have I poured out ideas and facts too rapidly for the reader's comprehension?

NEGATIVE EXAMPLE

Our deluxe models have chromium, rubber-insulated fixtures for durability, economy, and easy maintenance, and convenient controls to cut down on installation costs and necessary adjustments. They operate on AC or DC current and incorporate the latest principles of electronic controls which means flexibility in their use, better adjustment of the thermal units, less chance of error, and reduced labor costs per unit of production.

4. Have I used vague words instead of more vivid and convincing specific words?

5. Have I keyed the language to my reader's understanding?
(Though you may be writing a paper for me, you need to be clear to peer editors as well.)

6. Have I used language appropriate to the occasion? University and professional reports do not need the kind of cutsy or cliched language sometimes found in public school creative writing courses.
   

   Self-indulgent, immature	Appropriate to the occasion
   The clouds were fluffy as white sheets fresh from the dryer.	The clouds were primarily cumulus, formed as the warm, moist afternoon air was forced upward, producing the summer thunderstorm.

Tone: Tailoring Language to Your Audience

1. Have I expressed my ideas so that the reader will feel that I am helpful, courteous, and humane?

2. Have I tailored my message to my reader's desires, problems, circumstances, and probable reactions to the purpose of my message?

3. Have I emphasized it (the data) or you, the reader, instead of I or we? Avoid metadiscourse.

Readers tend to lose a sense of self-consciousness and disappear into the world of a well written text, entirely focused on its ideas. There are ways to break that focus, though, and they should generally be avoided unless the reader is being instructed to stop, think, and act in a very directed, conscious way. There are two very specific kinds of metadiscourse:

1. I statements. An author does not need to use metalanguage such as 'I think, believe, imagine, etc. Readers presume that as the default.
2. You statements. Often authors uses generic 'you' when in fact what said reflects their own unexamined beliefs or those of their organization. The problem is that when readers see such 'you' statements, they stop to query whether that is in fact the case, which throws them out of the text and into a self-conscious state. In that moment, the audience has been lost.
   

4. Have I expressed my ideas so they reflect good public relations for the organization (letters) or good human relations with my colleagues (reports, memos)?

5. Have I tactfully avoided words and phrases which imply that my reader is dishonest, careless, or mentally deficient?

6. Have I stressed the positive and avoided emphasizing ideas my reader may view unfavorably?

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Organization: Fitting the Form to Message and Audience

1. Have I structured my letter or report according to what my reader's reaction to my message is likely to be?

• Have I used the direct approach (which begins with good news or the main idea and fills in necessary explanation later) when my reader is likely to consider my message favorable or neutral?
• Have I used the indirect approach (which begins with a buffer and requires necessary explanation and detail before the decision is stated) when my reader is likely to consider my message unfavorably or when he or she will need to be persuaded?

2. Have I included transitions which will show my reader the relationships between my sentences and paragraphs?

3. Does one paragraph logically follow the preceding paragraph and lead into the one which follows?

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Correctness: Using Conventional Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation. Follow your organization's style sheet.

Since most writers have problems with only particular types of spelling, grammar, and/or punctuation errors, keep a list of your "errors of choice" with the correct form and the rule that governs each. Read through your material carefully —before you send it out for peer review—looking for those errors which you frequently commit. Slowly reading through your letter or report once for EACH of these errors will, in most cases, catch your favorites. Insure that your reader's attention is focused on your message, not on your mechanical errors.

Unless otherwise noted, the general style sheet for my courses is as follows:

• Single spaced, left adjusted, 12 point Times New Roman font with a space between paragraphs.
• MLA citations, preferencing parenthetical citation within the text and a Work Cited section at the bottom in 2009 format.
• Memo format for cover documents sent to me
• Alphanumeric titles in files saved as .doc, .docx, or .rtf formatted documents with no control characters (@, #, $, %, &, *, etc.) in the title.

Dr. Bonnie Duncan
2003; Last revised 15 June 2007
bduncan@millersville.edu
1-717-871-2080
English Department
Millersville University
Millersville, PA 17551

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