Christopher Columbus

Friday, October 17, 1997
Lancaster County Courthouse

    The case has now been remanded to the custody of the jurors and their foreman. Supposedly, this foreman is an Italian explorer who sailed under the English flag, but details on the jurors’ identities are still sketchy at this time. Indeed, ambiguity was the word of the day.

    With the convoluted minutiae of the forgeries behind them, the prosecution’s team steamed onward to the heart of its case--the naming of this continent. The plaintiff’s lawyer dragged a seemingly endless parade of witnesses into the courtroom today. Although some of the witnesses did have some character flaws, all in all their testimonies were credible and believable. Moreover, the defense did not dispute Columbus’ landing on the Caribbean islands before Amerigo. In fact, in a rather brazen act of self-confidence, the defense recalled Mr. Vespucci to the stand so that he, himself, could testify to the fact that Mr. Columbus had reached the islands before he did. In retaliation for this, the Columbus camp recalled their star witness, Mr. Columbus, back to the stand as well. This time, however, the defense did not let him leave the stand after the prosecution had extolled countless virtues on his client’s bravery and fortitude.

    If anywhere in this case the prosecution unraveled, it was at this critical juncture. Up to this point, the murmurings on the street were nearing a dead even tie between the opinions of the American public. But now the defense cornered the famed explorer.

    “Mr. Columbus, what are the Native American peoples, um, I mean to say, what are the Indians? Are they people? Are they animals? Just tell the court what you think please, sir.” Holding his head proudly, his ashen red hair long ago turned gray, Mr. Columbus proceeded to talk about cannibals and beasts--all referring to the Indians (Sale 131). Gasps and muted hisses could be heard everywhere like crickets on a spring evening. Although the prosecution never denied Columbus’ feelings and activities, they never, ever broadcast them. Moreover, they never allowed their client to talk, not even in private, about his true feelings. In today’s politically correct America, it would have been sure death for their cause. At this point, death was only knocking on their door.